New Reasons for Not Going to Work

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who
fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I
can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track
her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace.
One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is
completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter
transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to
clean all the guns today.

My stigmata's acting up.

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that
deadline to meet....

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how
about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no,
I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work
knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw
restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum
loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop
only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly elog (pi) on all the
clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a
rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.