YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY WHEN

* Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angel's.

* The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.

* You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

* You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.

* Your  birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

* You find your sons GI Joe doll dressed in drag

* You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out
of the city.

* Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

* Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit
down the toilet.

* You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of
deodorant.

* You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue in
your Preparation H.

* You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

* You start to put up the clothes you wore home from the party last night ......
..and there aren't any.

* It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

* You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...and remember that
you just bought a waterbed.

* Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue.

* Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

* The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

* You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

* You call your answering  service and they tell you it's none of your business.

* Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.

* Your income tax refund check bounces.

* You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

* You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing
any.

* You need one bathroom scale for each foot.

* You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and
when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.

* The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has
touched it.

* Nothing you own is actually paid for.

* You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell
hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse.

* You receive a 150 page instruction booklet on how to save money...from
the electric company.

* Airline food starts to taste good.

* Your mother approves of the person you are dating.

* Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.

* You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off youy MASTERCARD.

* You realize that you have memorized the back of your  cereal box.

* You take longer to get over sex thanyou did to have  it.

* Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in
your dresser drawer.

* Everyone loves your driver's license picture.

* You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.

* Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.

* Your aunt Maddie, who has two poodles and a chihuahua tells you  that he
rdoctor just recommended plenty of rest in a warm, dry climate...and youlive
in Arizona.

* The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.

* You look out the window of the airplane and the B.F. Goodrich Blimp  is
gaining on you.

* The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.

* People think you are 40...and you really are.

* You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the
numbers on the sign outside changed.

* Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." and you remember
that you were home by yourself.

* Everyone is laughing but you.